dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
