i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
