11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
