I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
