Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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