Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
