I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
