im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
