chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
