Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
