Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
