You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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