Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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