Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
