i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
