i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
