I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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