I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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