i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
