What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
