I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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