Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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