I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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