you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
