thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
