i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
