i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
