I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
