nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
