cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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