I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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