u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
