Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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