Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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