i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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