I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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