Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize