he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
