I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
