is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
