Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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