I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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