Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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