i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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