the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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