She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
