$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
