Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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