one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
