I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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