If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
