Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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