I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
