i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
