i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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