i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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