I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
