He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
