he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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