Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
