I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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