i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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